Trivia: Seesaw

"Jimin-ah, this isn't working. I think we should stop. I'm leaving, I'm sorry."

*dial tone*

[end of voice mail]

And that was the last time I ever heard Yoongi-hyung's voice.

His last words still haunted me after two years. I'm still not sure what happened, what made him decide to leave. One day we were fine and then the next, he was breaking my heart into pieces.

I look back to the 7 years we had together. We were happy. Yes, we had fights. But what couple does not fight, right? We had bad times, but we also had a lot of good times. We were happy. At least I think we were happy.

I already imagined waking up every day seeing his beautiful sleeping face. I'd stare at those fluffy cheeks and that cute nose. His lips luscious, pink from a whole night of kissing.

It still doesn't make sense to me. We were inseparable. We were already planning for our future and I remember being so excited about spending my whole life with him.

I remember his large, veiny hands holding mine. I always liked him touching me, embracing me. He wasn't showy when we were in public, but when it's just the two of us at home, he was the sweetest.

I miss touching his silky hair. I miss nuzzling my nose on his neck, smelling his scent. I can still smell his scent. After all these years.

"Jiminie, let's go", Taehyung interrupted my train of thought as our bus came to a stop. ~sigh~ Here's to another day of existing. Just existing, not living.

Taehyung and I now own a coffee shop with a mini library on the side. It's been my dream to own a business that involves coffee and books. And when Tae told me he wanted to partner up with me on a business venture, I told him what I had in mind and he was ecstatic. It's our shop's first anniversary and we had a lot of things to do for today's event.

I made some last-minute checking on the decorations we did the day before and made sure that all of the staff knows what to do. We've invited a band over to serenade our customers and they should be arriving a few minutes from now.

"Jimin-hyung! Congratulations on your shop's first anniversary!" Jungkook is here.

"Babe, I'm so glad you came!" Tae hurried over to hug his fiancé. Can you believe it? These two are already stepping up their relationship while I'm still here, stagnant, and haven't even dated after what happened two years ago. I'm bitter, I know. Sucks.

"Jungkookie! Thanks for coming! Today's going to be fun! We hired a band and Hobi-hyung says they're super cool." I greeted him.

Hobi is our friend, an artist manager, and because he has connections, I asked him a favor to hire a great band for today's event.

Speaking of, the band has arrived. Tae ushered them and they went ahead to set up.

The guitarist approached me and said their original keyboardist couldn't make it but he said not to worry because they already got a replacement. I was ready to get stressed but things are already handled well so I relaxed.

I was straightening some stuff up on the counter when something caught my eye.

Someone familiar walked into our coffee shop and my heart stopped.

The familiar jawline.

The familiar fluffy cheeks.

The cat eyes and that stiff posture.

Hell, even the leather jacket he was wearing was familiar.

Min Yoongi.

Two years of not seeing him and now he suddenly appears at my sight.

I ducked behind the counter so he wouldn't see me. I was shaking. This is not happening.

Oh my god.

This is not real.

I asked our staff to get Taehyung at once.

"Tae, I don't think I can do this."

"Jiminah, I thought you were already fine."

"I thought so, too, Tae." I was trying so hard to calm down "What is he doing here? Why is he here?"

"They said he's the sub keyboardist, Mini. I guess he's gonna be here for the duration of the event."

"What am I gonna do, Tae? Does he know I'm here?"

"Jimin-ah, hold yourself together. He left you, remember? Don't let him see that he still affects you. Pull yourself together and show him you're okay and you're doing great in life and you're business is successful."

"You're right Taehyung-ah. What's the matter with me? I've moved on. I'm okay now." Deep breath. "I'm okay now."

And with one last shaky breath, I dusted myself off and stood back up. I was visible for all to see and I was relieved that Yoongi's back was at me. I took a few moments to steady myself as another customer walked inside. It was Namjoon-hyung, the guy who's been courting me since last year.

"Hyung, you're here." I greeted him.

"Jimin-ah, congratulations!" Namjoon-hyung got me flowers and hugged me as he congratulated me. I saw Yoongi turned toward us and looked at me in the eye. I stood there frozen for a moment.

Yoongi turned back and their band started playing music to entertain our customers.

"Jimin-ah, the place looks great. Do you like the flowers I got you?" Namjoon-hyung was smiling at me, stars reflected his eyes and that's how I know he's happy to be there for me.

Namjoon-hyung is sweet. He's kind and he was very patient with me. He was there when Yoongi left and I was heartbroken. He listened to all my laments and lent me his shoulder to cry on. He comforted me and eased the pain I was feeling by making me laugh at his lame jokes. Namjoon-hyung is a great guy and after a year Yoongi left, I guess he fell for me because he confessed that he liked me more than just a friend.

Namjoon-hyung took care of me and made sure I was doing okay, but after a year from his confession, I still didn't agree to date him because I felt it would be unfair for him to have a boyfriend who was still hung up from his ex.

The thing is, I think I like Namjoon-hyung. I have been feeling this way for a while now but I still have doubts. What if I haven't yet totally moved on? Wouldn't that make me the bad guy who couldn't give all my heart to someone new because I'm still hung up from someone in the past? I didn't want Namjoon-hyung to feel like that. I wanted him to have a love that's whole. I want him to have someone he can call his without any hints of doubts and uncertainty.

And based on how I reacted when I saw Yoongi today, I don't think I'm ready yet to be that person for Namjoon-hyung.

"Hyung, I love them." I smiled, squeezing his hands. "Thank you for coming and supporting Tae and me." I took the flowers, put them in a vase, and placed them on the counter for good luck. Namjoon-hyung knows I love tulips and seeing the flowers cheered me up despite how shocked and nervous I felt earlier.

"I see Yoongi's here. Are you alright? How are you feeling?" Namjoon-hyung asked, eyes full of concern.

"I'm fine, hyung. I was a little bit shocked earlier but I was just rattled because this is the first time I'm seeing him after 2 years."

Namjoon hugged me. He knows how shaken I am and I am comforted by his warmth.

"It's gonna be okay. If you need anything, I'm here. You can talk to me, okay?"

I nodded.

The day went by, unexpectedly peaceful. I began to relax. Yoongi stayed with the band as Tae and I entertained the customers. Namjoon-hyung loves our mini library and was happy to stay there all day. Jungkookie had to go, though, because he needed to be at work.

I didn't notice the time until it was already closing time and the band started packing up their stuff. The guitarist was talking to Tae as Tae gave them their paycheck, praising them for a job well done.

I was wiping down our counter and arranging the coffee cups in the cupboard when a familiar voice said hello to me.

"Hi, Jimin-ah."

I winced. I turned around and there he was.

Min Yoongi.

The guy who broke up with me through a voice message.

The guy who left without saying goodbye.

The guy I cried over for years.

I felt the familiar ache of my heart but I gave him a smile.

"Yoongi-ssi, it's been a while... how are you?"

"I'm good. Congratulations to you and Tae. You finally made your dream come true. The coffee shop is nice." Yoongi was not the talkative type but right now, he had a lot of words to speak.

"Thanks," was all I could muster.

Yoongi looked around for a while and then he looked at me again in the eyes, unflinching.

"Can we talk?" He asked.

I was surprised. I should be the one asking that.

He must have seen the surprise in my face because he frantically looked somewhere else, his hands scratching the back of his neck. The telltale sign that he's flustered and nervous.

"Okay." That was all I could manage to say.

I went outside the shop and Yoongi followed me. Tae saw me and I mouthed "we'll just talk outside" to him.

Night has fallen and the stars are coming out one by one. A soft breeze was blowing and I shivered a little.

I picked a bench to sit on and turned to look at Yoongi. My heart hammering in my chest. We sat there for a while, waiting for the other to speak first. As I looked for the first words I wanted to say to him, Yoongi spoke.

"How are you Jimin-ah?" Yoongi asked breaking the ice. His eyes looking at me, sad and apologetic.

I released the breath I didn't notice I was holding.

"Why did you come here, hyung?" Hyung. It's been so long since I called him that.

"I-", he stammered.

...

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

...

"I know it must be so bold of me to just suddenly appear in your life again out of nowhere when I abruptly left two years ago. I-... I know you must be so surprised to see me. I don't have words to say how sorry I am about all of these things. I fucked up, Jimin-ah, and I'm here to tell you I'm sorry."

"Fuck." I was shooked to my core.

"You don't know how much I wanted to hear your voice after you sent me that voice message, hyung. You don't know how much I was hurting not knowing what I had done wrong for you just to leave me like that without any explanations." I said sounding like a robot, emotionless and unmoving.

"I sent you messages every single day. But each time, you just left me on seen." I laughed bitterly. Yoongi was silent, looking at me with those eyes.

"I asked you to talk to me so many times. I begged you so many times to come back, I lost count. Do you know how crushed I was? It broke me beyond repair." Tears are now threatening to fall. I let out a shaky breath.

"The last two years were hell. Fucking hell of trying to survive. And now that I'm finally doing okay, you have the fucking nerve to show up and what do you say? You're sorry? Sorry for what, hyung? For leaving me? For hurting me? For not giving me any explanations? For making me feel like I was not enough?" Angry tears fell from my eyes.

"Jimin-ah, please don't cry. Please don't-". Yoongi looked so worried.

"No, hyung. You don't have the right to tell me anything now. You and you're fucking ass do not deserve to be heard. Do you want to explain everything now? Well, news flash, your sorry is two fucking years late. And if you're wondering how I'm doing, as you can see, I'm good. Never better." I stood up and started to walk back to the shop when his hands stopped me.

Yoongi held my hands.

"Jimin-ah, I know what I did was wrong. I was selfish." He started explaining and my brittle heart made me stay to listen to what he has to say.

"I was having doubts about myself. I didn't want to hurt you even more by having to stay in a relationship where you wouldn't be loved like you deserve to be. I was not confident about myself and I loved you but it wasn't enough. I needed to find myself and fix myself. I just felt that the love we had for each other back then wasn't enough and I'm so sorry because I didn't have the courage to tell you that."

...

Yoongi let go of my hand now but I was too weak to walk away.

"We always had those petty fights. We were busy building our future, busy living our lives. We barely saw each other for months when I had to travel for my work. We had different priorities and I was just lost in it all. I fell out of love and I thought it was unfair for you to keep holding on when I know deep down, we wouldn't work out in the end."

...

"I thought removing myself from you would help us both. I loved you, Jimin-ah, and I still love you. I know I would hurt you when I left like that and I am so sorry. I'm sorry about everything." Yoongi let out a breath.

It took me some time to gather my thoughts up. It was all too much to bear. I never knew he felt this way. All along, I thought everything was working out. All along, I thought we'd be there for each other no matter what. All along, I thought we'd always choose to fight for each other even when things get difficult. Because I would do that. I would fight for him until my last breath.

My bitter heart took over and my face hardened.

"Thank you for clearing things up, Yoongi-ssi. It must have been difficult for you, too. Don't worry about it. I'm all good now. I need to go, someone's waiting for me."

I left Yoongi then, not waiting for his reply. I head inside the shop and saw Tae and Namjoon waiting for me.

"Let's go home?" I asked them, as tears started falling once again from my eyes.

Namjoon quickly put his arms around my shoulders, guiding me to his car with Tae trailing behind us. Namjoon-hyung drove us home as I just silently cried in the passenger's seat.

The rain started pouring outside and washed the world anew. It wasn't the evening I was hoping I would have.

Two years of healing and of trying to move past what I thought was the hardest thing I had to go through. The memories came up again now, encompassing me and then going away like a speeding bullet train. The good ones, the bad ones, and the ones that are just in between.

Yoongi and I smiling at each other. Yoongi and I fighting at each other. Yoongi and I make it up with each other. I spent 7 years of my life with him and I never regretted it.

If there's one thing I'm sure of right now, it's the fact that my heart has already somewhat healed. Yes, it still aches. The pain is still there and the scars will never go away. But seeing Yoongi after 2 years, and hearing what he had to say made me feel that I am alright now. I've been alright for some time.

I looked at Namjoon-hyung driving beside me and at Tae in the backseat smiling like an idiot at his phone and I realized that even though the person I loved the most left me, I wasn't alone.

There were still people who cared for me. People who I equally love as much as I loved Yoongi before. Acceptance filled my heart and I was bathed with the knowledge that I will be okay.

What happened tonight was long overdue. Facing Yoongi gave me a plethora of emotions. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I was overwhelmed, I was freaked out, but under all of those heavy emotions, I was also happy. I realized I am crying now not because of the pain, but because of relief. Relief that the pain I was feeling wouldn't be for evermore.

It may not be the closure I was hoping to have. But it was closure, nonetheless.

Yoongi will always be a wonderful part of my life but that is all in the past now. I wiped away my tears and I decided that from now on, I would not just exist, I would live.